Knee deep in the water somewhere

An EXCLUSIVE guide to enjoying an all-inclusive resort. PLUS: Some sports stuff!

PUERTO VALLARTA, MEXICO • It is sometime around mid-afternoon on a Thursday.

My wife and I are in the pool, getting a drink at the pool bar. As one does. A couple of Americans are being served, and one of them, I can say comfortably, is lit. He is explaining how much he loves coming to Puerto Vallarta; he and his lady friend come there once a year. But he is saying this in a way that only quite drunk people do: with urgency, as though he is sharing information of the utmost importance, great secrets that must be explained to this person he just met five minutes ago.

“It is the BEST,” he says, leaning in. “All those problems from home? We come here, and you forget about BILLS, and WORK, and all that shit. You just come here, and all that goes … (he makes a hand gesture) away.”

“I think he’s on his way to blackout drunk,” my wife says quietly. She’s not wrong. But neither is he.

All-inclusive resorts are sort of like the classic rock of vacations. Familiar, comfortable, can get a little repetitive after a while. But while there are many great reasons to do the kind of travel that allows you to get out and see the world, have different experience that you get at home and all that fun stuff, sometimes it is nice to, as that gentleman was boozily saying at the pool bar, just chill out.

Here is my very unofficial and not at all complete guide to All-Inclusive Vacationing:

Food

This is the big one. I cannot stress enough how much the experience of an all-inclusive hinges on whether the food is good. This is all you are going to eat for a week — not counting the times you might venture off-resort — and if you find yourself struggling at the buffet on Day One, it is going to be a difficult experience. Put another way, if you are checking online reviews and find a place that looks great but the food is just OK, find somewhere else. You want to be at least curious about what’s on the buffet, not approaching it with trepidation. We’ve been to Puerto Vallarta a few times now, and it’s also an area that is popular with Mexican tourists. Anecdotally, that seems to mean more food options that are popular with locals and fewer dishes that are lame attempts at foreign-friendly foods like chicken fingers.

Pool

It is pretty hard to find a crappy pool. These days, the pool is usually the centrepiece of any resort photos, so they tend to make them look all fancy. Our pool at the Plaza Pelicanos Grand Beach fit that description: a little bridge over one part, and something that was called the infinity pool area that was not, actually, an infinity pool. Also the water was colder over there for some reason, despite being attached to the main pool. Maybe because it was mostly in the shade? Hard to say. This infinity part of the pool was also right on the edge of the beach, which in Puerto Vallarta means that an endless stream of vendors would wander by and wave their wares at you. Hats, sunglasses, plastic pool mugs, toys, jewellery, all the usual jazz. Also a bunch of things that really don’t seem like the kind of thing one ought to buy from a beach vendor: hammocks, rugs, blankets, various large and clunky souvenirs. We saw one guy selling remarkably tacky moose carvings and, amazingly, my wife saw someone at the airport who had bought one. (Less amazing: they didn’t let him take it through security. There must be a giant stash of moose carvings at PVR.) But nothing beats the most alarming offer of all: oysters. Right there on the beach, sold by someone who has a tray of oysters over a bag of ice. How long have these oysters been in the sun? Where were they before being placed on ice? Who knows, and no idea. I do not recommend eating beach oysters, is what I’m saying.

Vibes

The Plaza Pelicanos was a pretty sleepy resort. Which was fine! We were there mostly to relax, which we did, because there wasn’t a hell of a lot else to do. But we knew that going in. At much larger resorts, there can be all kinds of things happening, and at all hours of the day. Which is great if that’s what you are looking for, but if you are mostly about napping and reading by the pool, it can be a little exhausting when a super cheery staff member is blowing a whistle every half hour to announce BEACH VOLLEYBALL or AEROBICS TIME or DATING GAME or some shit. My face is in this book for a reason, fella.

Excursions

A reliable way to break up the week is book some kind of off-resort activity. There is definitely a caveat emptor thing here, though. We booked a snorkelling/beach day that was fine. There were some fish, but not many of them, and the afternoon at the beach mostly seemed like an opportunity for the tour company to upsell you on various extra beach activities. They did serve an awful lot of free drinks on the boat ride back, possibly so we didn’t leave poor reviews about the fish, and a Canadian girl won the dance contest, which was nice. Gotta take your wins where you can these days.

One more thing

Be open-minded. One of the features of these kinds of trips is that there are always foreigners who expect that their $1800 trip, including flight, room, meals and drinks, should be like a week at The White Lotus (minus the murders). Like, it’s Mexico. Not everything is going to be up to your usual standard. At the Pelicanos, there was a resort cat who truly had the run of the place. My youngest was excited to learn his name was Gato, and happily called him that for days, but was disappointed when I explained that Gato was Spanish for “cat.” Much less exotic that way. Anyway, most people seemed to quite enjoy his visits. He was friendly and playful, and one morning jumped up on my lap and sat there for a good 20 minutes. People came by and asked how I did this. I did nothing. I am allergic to cats. But there were a couple of ladies who gave him the stink eye all the time, and would say, loudly, that “he had FLEAS.” I mean, if you can’t appreciate a Mexican resort cat, just stay home and go to the Best Western.

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In case you missed it

One upside to staying at a relatively quiet resort is that you can easily get some work done in the mornings.

For theScore, I wrote about the scourge of the All-Star Game(s). They stink, but we are probably stuck with them.

Also for theScore, I wrote about what I think could end up being a Big Problem for the NBA: a salary cap/luxury tax that might be too effective.

And, hey, there was a big hockey game last week that got a lot of attention. I set it up for the National Post, and after Canada won and all was right again in the world, I considered What It All Meant. Up yours, Donald.