An exhaustive* guide to Euro 2024
*Actually more like pithy, really
It is almost time for Euro 2024, a month-long feast of games in which overmatched teams try to hang on for a scoreless draw, authorities worry about hooliganism, and England gets knocked out in a penalty shootout, probably. And everyone argues about referees and VAR. Good times!
In this special edition of the newsletter, we present a guide to all 24 teams.
Group A
Germany
FIFA ranking: 16
The tournament hosts, they flamed out of the World Cup in spectacular fashion and fired their coach, former Bayern Munich manager Hansi Flick, who is now the unofficial leader for Guy Who Came Off Like a Dork in Amazon Documentary. Now guided by former Bayern Munich manager Julian Nagelsmann, the Germans have recently found good form. A threat to go deep.
Switzerland
FIFA ranking: 19
The Swiss are lacking a Roger Federer-type superstar on the football side, but they tend to be solid and capable. Insert comment about the reliability of Swiss watches here. Captained by Granit Xhaka, who recently completed an undefeated domestic season in Bayer Leverkusen and also has a name that is amazingly badass.
Hungary
FIFA ranking: 26
Hungary was once one of the great powers in world football, making the final of the World Cup twice, the last in 1954, and the semi-finals of the European Championships twice, the last in 1972. They are not that anymore. But the national program has been built up again under the authoritarian rule of Viktor Orban, which is grim but effective. A tough out, these guys.
Scotland
FIFA ranking: 39
The plucky Scots have never been out of the group stage at a Euros or World Cup, probably because too many of their good athletes are playing rugby. But this group looks like the kind of thing they could advance from, with a team loaded with players from England’s Premier League, even if quite a few of them play left back. The bad news is they start the tournament against Germany. *William Wallace voice* FREEDOM!
Group B
Spain
FIFA ranking: 8
Still smarting from a shootout loss to Morocco at the World Cup, Spain is once again loaded with recognizable talent. Manchester City’s Rodri, who basically never loses. Real Madrid’s Nacho, whose name is a delight. But their success will likely hinge on a core of Barcelona youngsters, including winger Lamine Yamal, who is 16. SIXTEEN. Mercy.
Italy
FIFA ranking: 9
Possibly the weirdest team in here, in that they won the damn thing last time out, in a penalty shootout against England at Wembley Stadium, but then didn’t even qualify for the following World Cup, getting knocked out by the powerhouse that is North Macedonia. It’s only half of Macedonia! Anyway, Italy is good. Their goalkeeper, Gianluigi Donnarumma, might have the most Italian name ever and is also like eight feet tall.
Albania
FIFA ranking: 66
Albania made the Euros? That FIFA ranking puts them right behind Uzbekistan and Cape Verde, just to give you a sense of where they are among football powers. I still only think of this when Albania comes up:
Croatia
FIFA ranking: 10
I once went on a trip to the Dominican Republic or somewhere similar and we did one of those day outings where you ride around in a Jeep and then hike in the jungle and swim under a waterfall and whatnot. There were some Croatian guys in the same Jeep and one of them kept carving “Croatia” into whatever surface he could find: trees, picnic tables, probably the side of the Jeep when no one was looking. I bet that guy was real sad when they lost the 2018 World Cup final to France. Also: Croatia is still pretty good, but a touch creaky.
Group C
Denmark
FIFA ranking: 21
At the last Euros, Danish midfielder Christian Eriksen collapsed on the field due to cardiac arrest. It was one of those serious ones, where he had to be brought back from the dead by the medical team and there was a long period where no one in the stadium or watching at home knew if he was going to make it. He did, and the Danes ended up going all the way to the semi-finals, losing to England. They may not get that far this time, but hopefully no one almost dies in the process.
Serbia
FIFA ranking: 33
Just a team full of dudes who look like they would be villains in a John Wick movie, tattooed and bearded and generally very menacing. Nikola Jokic is probably the best basketball player in the world and Novak Djokovic is probably the best tennis player ever, but this team doesn’t quite get to that level. Not that I would say that to them, in person.
England
FIFA ranking: 4
England is somehow the betting favourite for this tournament, which must owe to the fact that a lot of English people bet on football. Seriously, have they ever watched England at a major tournament? They are destined to be pretty good, but not great, and advance just far enough to get everyone’s hopes up before losing in heartbreaking fashion. Very Leafs-ish. Also: Local authorities have swapped out the 4.5% beer at the stadium for 2.5% beer, just for England’s games. Whatever for, I wonder?
Ah. Fair enough.
Slovenia
FIFA ranking: 57
I’m willing to admit that we are at the point in this process where I’m having a little trouble keeping these eastern European countries straight. (Checks map) Whoops, actually not that far east. Right there below Austria! Who knew? (Checks Wikipedia) ‘Slovenia, a country in Central Europe, is known for its mountains, ski resorts and lakes.’ Sounds lovely. Also known for goalkeeper Jan Oblak and not many other dudes.
Group D
France
FIFA ranking: 2
Once again a powerhouse, led by superstar Kylian Mbappé and loaded at seemingly every position. Weirdly, they drew to Canada, 0-0, in their final pre-tournament friendly, which presumably did not go over super well in Bordeaux or really anywhere else in France. But they made the final in the last two World Cups and it would be a surprise if they didn’t go to at least the last four in this one. Allez!
Poland
FIFA ranking: 28
One of those teams that is good enough to qualify for every major tournament but never seems to do anything once there. At the last World Cup they had a chance to seize control of their group after Argentina suffered a shock upset to Saudi Arabia, but went out and played an exceedingly dull 0-0 draw against Mexico. I still haven’t forgiven them for those 90 minutes. They have fought against the notion that it’s striker Robert Lewandowski and then 10 other dudes, but it’s basically Robert Lewandowski and then 10 other dudes.
Netherlands
FIFA ranking: 7
The Dutch are, obviously, good. Not long-track speed-skating good, but still good. The defence is a little on the old side, and they don’t have someone banging in goals all over the place, but they should at least get out of this group. Also, this remains great:
Austria
FIFA ranking: 25
Poland-esque in their ability to make tournaments but then not do much once there, Austria nevertheless comes into this one on a bit of a run and with wins over Germany, Slovakia, Serbia and Turkey, plus a draw against the Swiss. They play Poland in their second game on June 21. I’m going to go ahead and pencil in a goalless draw.
Group E
Belgium
FIFA ranking: 3?
FIFA must have some funky coefficient stuff going on with that ranking, as the Belgians were last seen getting roundly outplayed by Canada in Qatar (but winning 1-0, the jerks) and failing to get out of the group stage. Chronic underachievers, they still have a lot of big names, such as Kevin De Bruyne of Manchester City and Romelu Lukaku of Whichever Team Chelsea Sells Him To. Not the toughest of groups, either, so it would take a spectacular collapse to not get out of it.
Ukraine
FIFA ranking: 22
A remarkable feat to have even qualified, given that they couldn’t play any games at home due to the ongoing Russian invasion, which would obviously be troubling to the players for a host of reasons. But more than just an inspiring story, Ukraine has some excellent players: goalkeeper Andriy Lunin won the Spanish league with Real Madrid and Artem Dovbyk was the same league’s top scorer, playing for Girona.
Romania
FIFA ranking: 46
Not going to lie, drawing a bit of a blank on this one. They, um, have red, yellow and blue uniforms. And a lot of guys whose last name ends with the letter ‘u’. (Checks Wikipedia) ‘Romania is one of only four national teams from Europe—the other three being Belgium, France, and Yugoslavia—that took part in the inaugural FIFA World Cup in 1930.’ Ah, well. There you go.
Slovakia
FIFA ranking: 48
Man, this is a kitten-soft group for Belgium. I was going to say that their best-known player is midfielder Marek Hamsik, but he appears to have retired and is one of the team’s coaches now. Team manager Francesco Calzona, who could rival Gianluigi Donnarumma for Most Italian Name, became the head coach at Napoli in Italy’s top flight in February and didn’t quit the Slovak job for some reason. He’s been doing both! Seems sub-optimal.
Group F
Georgia
FIFA ranking: 75
They let U.S. states in this tournament now? What the fuck? (Holds finger to earpiece) Ah, sorry, right, there’s also a country named Georgia. That’s on me. Anyway, Georgia has never qualified for one of these things before and is undoubtedly happy to be here. Don’t wager on Georgia, is what I’m saying. Or Louisiana. Also, winger Kvicha Kvaratskhelia (Napoli) is an excellent talent, even if his name is a nightmare to pronounce.
Portugal
FIFA ranking: 6
Portugal was one of the stories of Qatar, but not in a good way. Star striker Cristiano Ronaldo, who had scored approximately one million goals in his career but at 37 had lost a step, was benched and for a brief period was thought to have quit the team in a huff. (He didn’t.) He’s back now, at 39, and still scoring, even if his club career saw him unwanted by Manchester United or any other European heavyweight and so he went to Saudi Arabia for presumably an absolute crapload of money. Also still playing at 41(!): Pepe, who rivals Nacho for Best Name.
Czechia
FIFA ranking: 36
Euro 2020 was pretty decent for Please Don’t Call Us Czech Republic, getting out of the group stage and beating the Netherlands in the Round of 16 before losing to Denmark in the quarters. They come into this one having beaten Armenia, Malta and North Macedonia, which seems like the football equivalent of preparing for a big tournament by hoofing some puppies. Also, there was this:
Turkey
FIFA ranking: 40
Turkey is often a tournament dark horse that rarely lives up to the billing, so this time around they’ve wisely been meh enough in the build up to not attract any attention. Gamesmanship! They are managed by Italian former player Vincenzo Montella, whose nickname was The Little Airplane. I’m not sure if there was also a Big Airplane.
Enjoy the games!